The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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