just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
