you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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