she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
