so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Where is the hickey?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
