I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
