The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
