My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Why did my mother make you get naked?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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