a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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