I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
