if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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