I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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