proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
