Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
