You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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