I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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