I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
