I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
