Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
