I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
