just come out here and I will go home with you...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
