You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
