I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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