I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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