two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
