I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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