i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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