Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
