I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
