I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You took a bar mat shot.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
