Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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