dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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