I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
