You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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