ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
