This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
