wrigley field is MILF paradise
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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