party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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