Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
