my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
