Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
