You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
