He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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