I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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