i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
