I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
