tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
