hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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