I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
