I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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