dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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