I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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